For
my next trick, I will burn the Koran.
A
whole mess of Korans.
My
congregation and I will build a bonfire, and we will throw the so-called Holy
Book of Islam into the flames. We will do this over and over again, with the whole
world bearing witness. We will do this dozens of times, until there is nothing
left of these devil works but ashes.
That’ll
show ‘em!
[Under
the heat of the studio lights…]
“I won’t do it.”.
“Of
course you’ll do it.”
“Two
minutes to air.”
“I mean it -- I won’t do it.”
“Of
course you’ll do it -- it’s in the script. Your job is to read the script.”
“But
‘WikiLeaks’?! I actually have to say ‘WikiLeaks’?!”
“That’s
their name.”
“’WikiLeaks.’”
”(T)here
is a problem with its reception.”
Consumer
Reports magazine, finding design flaws with the antenna of Apple’s new iPhone
4, questioning Apple’s previous explanations for the malfunction, and declining
to recommend buying the phone.
Dear Apple Motors:
My
wife and I have been proud owners of Apple cars for years now, and we were
really excited about your brand-new iDrive Sports Coupe. We’ve never seen a car
with so many awesome features, and we especially love driving it around the
neighborhood, past all those dull and boring cars in everyone else’s driveways.
In the past few weeks, though, we’ve noticed a small
problem: Whenever we grip the lower-left portion of the steering wheel, the
iDrive’s speed immediately drops by 20 to 30 miles per hour. As you can
imagine, this can be troublesome, particularly when we’re in heavy traffic --
in the past week alone, we’ve just barely avoided a half-dozen fender-benders.
Since we know Apple cars are perfectly designed, we figure we must be doing
something wrong. Can you set us straight?
Nervous in Nashville
WASHINGTON
-- I’m in 9B. He’s in 4C, five rows
ahead. He’s a congressman -- an influential congressman, but aren’t they all?
-- heading back to the Nation’s Capital to do the people’s business.
I
make the same instant calculation I always make in this kind of situation: “I
know who’s in the headline if the plane goes down.” Not that I’m expecting the
plane to go down. I’m just saying.
Anyway:
In a few minutes, we’re airborne, and a little while later, they announce that
it’s OK to use “approved electronic devices.” I’m traveling light on this trip
-- no iPod, no headphones -- but what’s a flight to Washington without looking
important? (Or at least busy.) So I pull out my laptop and try to catch up on
some work. Up in 4C, meanwhile, the congressman is looking at his Kindle.
Continue reading "Up in the Air, His Suspicions are Kindled" »
Rrriinnnng!
Rrriinnn --
“Good morning, and thanks for calling T.S.A., ‘Your
Travel Partner.’ This is Janet speaking -- how may I help you?”
“I
want to make a reservation.”
“Certainly,
sir -- that’s what we’re here for! Now, I’ll need some information from you.
Let’s start with dates -- do you know what day you’ll be traveling?”
“That
will be 25 December, please.”
“Christmas
Day! That’s one of my favorite days of the year to be going places. And your
final destination?”
“Paradise.”
“I’m
sorry, but I don’t think we -- “
“Detroit.
I meant Detroit.”
A
toast, please, to technology, which makes our lives so much smoother and
easier. Faster, and more flexible.
Without
technology, life itself would be a constant struggle. With technology, we’re free to discover new and exciting
ways to slip on the banana peel.
Or
am I getting ahead of myself?
