Rick Horowitz

Symptoms of the Biden Flu: Running Off at the Mouth

            WASHINGTON, Momentarily -- Thrown repeatedly off message by a series of poorly timed or ill-considered comments by the government’s second-ranking official, the Obama White House is giving serious thought to putting Vice President Joe Biden on a perpetual seven-second sound delay.

            According to two senior administration sources who requested anonymity, the White House is weighing the benefits of implanting a computer chip just above the vice president’s jawbone, where it would receive electronic impulses from Biden’s brain and temporarily reroute them to a monitoring station within the West Wing for real-time review. Non-controversial statements would be relayed back to Biden’s mouth for delivery, while others would simply be blanked out, even as the vice president appeared to continue speaking.

            “It might look a little awkward,” one of the administration sources admitted, “but it sure beats the alternative.”

Jindal's Speech: Phenom Falls Flat!

            Dear Dr. Politics:

            I’m writing to get your advice about a recent event which has gotten lots of attention in political circles and in the media. In our line of work, that would normally be a plus -- attention is what you want when you’re a fresh face and a rising star.

            That’s what I am, by the way, according to everybody: a “fresh face,” and a “rising star.” Or at least that’s what I was until the other night. That’s when things suddenly went off the track.

Post-Election: Call It Decompression

            He did the strangest thing last night:  He turned the TV off.

            There he was, still in the early part of the evening, with another hour or two of political shows still ahead of him -- updates and interviews and analyses and predictions -- and he reached for the remote and chose...

            Silence.

            Blessed silence.

            Don’t get the wrong idea -- he wasn’t shutting the world out completely.  By that point in the evening, he’d already watched the network news, and something from the BBC, and Jim Lehrer.  (He couldn’t miss Jim Lehrer, could he?)  He’d already read a newspaper or two, and part of a magazine, and surfed the net, and listened to NPR.  Twice.

            So he wouldn’t exactly call himself unplugged.

Veep Debate: What Sarah Palin Didn't Do

             The camera loves Sarah Palin -- darn right it does! You betcha!

            The microphone?  Not so much.

            Folksy is nice.  I like folksy.  But a little folksy goes a long way with me.  With most people. 

            It’s fine if you’re putting on a revival of “Li’l Abner.”  Hey!  Golly!!

            For running a national government in difficult times?  That’s a different matter.

            And it’s no substitute for...for...

            What’s that word I’m looking for?

            For knowledge.  For knowin’ stuff.

            *   *   *

Olympic Lessons: He Watches, He Learns

             From this day forward, I stick my landings.

            There will be no big steps, or even small steps, on my landings.  And certainly no hops.  From now on, where I land is where I stand.

            I will never lose my grip.  Even if it means putting a pound of powder on my hands, and on everything I expect to touch, I will never lose my grip -- except when I have to demonstrate my release skills.  Then I will loosen my grip, but only temporarily, and it will be deliberate, and the judges will know the difference.

No Giant Pigeons?!! (The Next Super Bowl)

[In an office high above Madison Avenue…]

"OK, everybody’s here -- let’s get started. First things first: Great game, people! Karin, why don’t you run the numbers for us?”

“Sure, Jerry. We had our best Ad Meter numbers ever -- all three spots over 7.5. Test-audience retention was off the charts. And the dealers are already seeing an uptick in key demographic segments.”

“Bottom line?”

“Bottom line: We rocked. World o’ Widgets is now officially in the big time!”

“Super job, you guys! So how do we top it?”