Rick Horowitz

P is for Pastor. (Also for Poison.)

             For my next trick, I will burn the Koran.

            A whole mess of Korans.

            My congregation and I will build a bonfire, and we will throw the so-called Holy Book of Islam into the flames. We will do this over and over again, with the whole world bearing witness. We will do this dozens of times, until there is nothing left of these devil works but ashes.

            That’ll show ‘em!

Beckfest of Champions

            

         I was all set to reclaim the civil-rights movement when I found out that Glenn Beck had beaten me to it. So now I’m thinking of reclaiming the North Pole. Or “God Bless America.” Or microwave popcorn. One of those.

            It’s not that I had anything special to do with any of those things. I might have flown over the North Pole one time, but it’s not like I stopped or put up a flag or anything. And I’ve sung “God Bless America” plenty of times, but that’s not quite the same as writing it, which I definitely didn’t do.

            And everybody microwaves popcorn. But it’s quick and convenient, and it tastes close enough to the real thing to perk up those movie nights at home, so it definitely deserves being reclaimed by somebody, don’t you think?

            That’s the best part of reclaiming -- you don’t actually have to have had anything to do with the original claim. All you need is a rally permit and a vivid imagination.

A Crescendo of Innuendo: Obama and the Muslim Myth

              SEN. McCONNELL: The president says he's a Christian, I take him at his word -- I don't think that's in dispute.

            MR. GREGORY: And do you think -- how, how do you think it comes to be that this kind of misinformation gets spread around and prevails?

            SEN. McCONNELL: I have no idea, but I take the president at his word.

                    From last Sunday’s “Meet the Press”

 

             Mitch McConnell says he’s a patriotic American. I take him at his word --  I don’t think that’s in dispute.

            Mitch McConnell says he has America’s best interests at heart. I take him at his word.

            Mitch McConnell says he has no idea how misinformation about President Obama’s religious beliefs gets spread around. That’s his position, and I take Mitch McConnell at his word.

            If I asked him, Mitch McConnell would tell me he’s never beaten his wife senseless with a hammer. If he told me that, I would have no choice but to believe him.

A Conspiracy Most Fowl (Or, "Fox in the Henhouse")

             So anyway, I turn my back on the news for a few days of sun and fun, and when I come back, everybody’s talking about contaminated Muslim eggs at Ground Zero.

            “Islamic Salmonella,” they’re calling it, and you can absolutely understand why it’s got people so upset. After all, what’s more American than eggs? This country was built on eggs! And the very idea that foreign chickens -- terrorist chickens! -- would try to infiltrate themselves into our food supply and drop their eggs on such hollowed ground --

            No way. That’s what people are saying: No way.

            And they’re not just saying it -- they’re shouting it. They’re even having demonstrations about it, with signs. And on certain cable channels, of course, contaminated Muslim eggs at Ground Zero is this week’s scandal of the century.

Same-Sex Marriage: In the Beginning, There Was the Word

              Has he had problems with “same-sex marriage”? You bet he has. The whole idea has made him squirmy.

            Actually, not the whole idea. Not the same-sex part -- the marriage part.

            And really, not even the marriage part -- the “marriage” part.

            The word itself. It’s the word itself that kept getting in the way.

            Let other people mount their soapboxes to rail against the supposed destruction of the social order. The rejection of biblical injunctions. The celebration of Satan and sinfulness.

            Those were never his concerns. The social order, he understood, is always being upended. There are plenty of passages in the Bible that make today’s readers -- most of them, anyway -- cringe. And sinfulness? When it comes to sinfulness, he was quick to admit, heterosexuals take a back seat to no one.

            (Or had we forgotten what goes on in some of those back seats?)

Science? Who Needs It?

         Me and the missus, we step on the scale the other day -- she’s down a pound, I’m down almost two. 

          So what’s all this hooey about an obesity crisis?   

          But that’s all you hear from the lamestream media, am I right? You’re getting fatter, I’m getting fatter. Everyone’s getting fatter. So how come I’m losing weight? And how come the missus is losing weight? You think the scale is lying to us? 

          The scale doesn’t lie.

           Unlike plenty of media types I can think of.

Not All the Turkeys Are in the Oven

             I can see it now like it’s an artist picture painted big and bright and hanging right in front of me, or maybe one of those high-def flat-screen things like Cousin Becca Lee is always showing off, which is why we wound up doing Thanksgiving at Cousin Becca Lee’s house in the first place, so we can all see what else she’s got.

            That, and Cousin Rufus has to be where his parole officer can find him.

Stopping Health-Care Reform: Whatever It Takes

              House approves health-care reform, but with new abortion restrictions.

                       Ripped from the headlines

 

            (Meanwhile, in a slightly altered universe...)

             Dear Congressional Peeps --

            Congrats on the health-care thing! Sorry you had to spend your whole Saturday night in session -- a total drag! -- but when history calls, history calls, right? Definitely worth giving up one Date Night to get everybody one giant step closer to the finish line. Now it’s on to the Senate and even more history!

            A pity about that slavery clause, but hey -- we’re all grownups here, and compromise is the name of the game. Absolutely no way you get the votes you need without a little tweaking on indentured servitude. Totally worth it.

Murder, in the Name of Life

            Just two more, you’re thinking, and it can stop.

            Just two more murdered doctors, you’re thinking, and it will have to stop. They’ll have run out of targets.

            The clinic in Wichita is closing, you hear -- closing permanently. The murdered doctor’s family announced the decision just days ago, and now it’s down to two. Two clinics in the entire country where a woman can go for a late-term abortion. A legal, late-term abortion.

            Opponents are exultant. Already the president of the group that calls itself “Operation Rescue” says he’d like to buy the building where the clinic was located, and perhaps move his own group’s headquarters there.

            File this under “Dancing on Dr. Tiller’s Grave.”

"Cone of Silence"? (John McCain and the Magic Words)

             So John McCain slipped the cone of silence -- no big surprise.  What I want to know is:  Whatever happened to the cylinder of civility?

            And for that matter, who brought the cube of contempt?

            Or am I just being finicky?