Rick Horowitz

Would You Buy a Used Party from These People?

 
 
       Meanwhile, down at the showroom…

            “Gosh, I’ve never seen so many cars before! Are you sure we -- “

            “It’s gonna be fine, OK?”

            “OK.”

            “And what was our agreement?”

            “That I let you do the talking.”

            “Exactly. If you want to smile at him, smile at him. But I’ll handle all the -- “

            “Hey there! Welcome to GOP AutoWorld -- you look like a couple of folks who are ready for a change! Dump the old clunker for something new!”

            “Well…”

Losing Their Gulf Cred

            I’m thinking of a number.

            The number is 5,000. (You were expecting a little suspense? A drum roll, perhaps? Sorry to spoil the fun -- but, don’t worry: you’ll have another chance soon enough.)

            Now, 5,000 is a perfectly good number, a nice round number. It’s a pretty big number, too. Or at least it is compared to some other numbers, like 11, or 249. Just for instance.

            Of course, 5,000 can also be a pretty small number, too, when you compare it to certain other numbers.

            So here’s your chance: I’m thinking of another number.

The GOP Didn't W-I-N!

            Expect to hear a lot about the will of the people.

            Especially after November 2nd -- expect to hear a whole lot about the will of the people...

            “The voters have spoken,” the winning side will tell us. “The voters must be obeyed.” Or to put it more conversationally: “Quit your belly-aching -- we’re running things now!”

            How nice for them.

            The “them” in question almost certainly being the Republicans, who, if things go only modestly well from their perspective on Election Day, will still pick up a few dozen seats in the House of Representative and a handful in the Senate. And if things go really well will run the table and lay waste to the Democrats.

            In either case, they’ll be eager to lay claim to the levers of power -- and the sooner the better.

            “We won. Why wait?”

For the GOP, a Certain Inconsistency

            Like little lambs adrift in the wide, weird world -- that’s what they are.

            It’s all so complicated! It’s all so unpredictable! When all they want -- all they need -- is: certainty.

            Or so they keep telling us.

            “They” would be the Republicans, of course, well on their way to major victories this November -- and yet, still deeply concerned about the state of things. About the state of one particular thing.

Questions, Questions: Discuss Among Yourselves

            So what’ll you do with all that extra money now that the recession is over?

            And other things I’ve been wondering lately:           

             * If Barack Obama were named Barack Osanta, how long would it be before the GOP tried to repeal Christmas?

            * Will teenage girls abstain from sex after watching Bristol Palin on “Dancing with the Stars”? (Will they abstain from watching TV?)

            * Is there a single Tea Party story in all of journalism that doesn’t have either “brew,” “stir,” “boil,” “strong” or “weak” in the headline? How do you explain the oversight?

            * When Harry Reid of Nevada calls Kirsten Gillibrand of New York “the hottest member” of the Senate, does he increase public belief in global warming? (How about John Boehner’s tan?)

            * Do Harry Reid’s latest comments show him to have:

             a)    A sense of humor?

             b)    A sense of style?

             c)    No sense at all?

            * If Republicans are on the verge of capturing the House of Representatives when a recent poll has them at a 20 percent approval rating, would they do even better if they were doing even worse?

Ode to Wingnuts

             The etiquette’s chancy, I grant you,

            But answers will come to me soon:

            There must be appropriate phrasing

            For saying a loon is a loon.

 

            A candidate running for office

            Should have both her feet on the ground,

            But what about those who might fancy

            A broomstick to fly them around?

No, Really: Dems Should Party Like It's 1972

 

            Hold on to your hats -- here’s where I compare Barack Obama to Richard Nixon.

            Perhaps I should explain.

            When it comes to politics and presidents, everyone’s always looking for precedents.

            For parallels.

            Which is why you’ve been hearing so many references lately to 1994.

            “This is just like 1994!” the pundits cry. “A first-term Democratic president’s first midterm election, and the voters are really angry, and they take it out on the president’s party, and the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives for the first time in generations!”

Gingrich Again, But Even Louder

             A moment’s sympathy, please, for the current plight of the former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, the sporadically honorable Newton Leroy Gingrich of Georgia.

            OK -- moment’s over.

            “Poor Newt”? Absolutely -- if by “poor,” you mean “lacking.” Lacking in honesty, for instance, or integrity. Seriously lacking in morals. And now -- worst of all, from Newt’s perspective -- lacking in luck.

            Just when he thought he’d made his way back from serial scandal to respectability, just when he saw a path opening before him that could even lead to a certain oval office on Pennsylvania Avenue -- 

            Suddenly, stupid is in.

P is for Pastor. (Also for Poison.)

             For my next trick, I will burn the Koran.

            A whole mess of Korans.

            My congregation and I will build a bonfire, and we will throw the so-called Holy Book of Islam into the flames. We will do this over and over again, with the whole world bearing witness. We will do this dozens of times, until there is nothing left of these devil works but ashes.

            That’ll show ‘em!

Dems Seek Shelter from November's Storm

 

            [In a dark corner of a Washington establishment where beverages are served…]

            “You saw the numbers?”

            “Of course I saw the numbers.”

            “Those are some awful numbers.”

            “Awful numbers.”

            “We’re down 10 on the generic ballot.”

            “I saw the numbers.”

            “We’ve never been down 10 on the generic ballot before.”

             “I saw the numbers! Didn’t I just tell you I saw the numbers?”

            “Hey, you don’t have to get snippy about it. I was only -- ”

            “Sorry. I’m a little tense right now.”

            “We’re all a little tense right now. More than a little.”