Rick Horowitz

They're Withering About His Dithering

            If you look before you leap,

            And worry that you’re in too deep,

            If flag-draped coffins cost you sleep,

            You’re “dithering.”

 

            If you bring the experts in

            To see if there’s some way to win,

            And think about the next of kin,

            You’re “dithering.”

Obama to Seniors: Here's Some Money. Now Go Away.

             Gordon Goldenage was gallivanting in the garden when Myron the Mailman showed up with the money.

            “Hey, Gordo!” cried Myron, who’d known him forever. “I’ve got some  government checks here for you and the little lady.” (That would be Gladys.)

            “Can’t be,” said Gordon. “We already got our refund.”

            “I’m just telling you what I’m telling you,” Myron replied. “There’s an eagle on the envelope and a check inside -- trust me.”

Olympia Snowe (or "The Importance of Being Pivotal")

            Once upon a time, I had a teacher. A law professor, to be precise about it. (And he’d want me to be precise about it -- he was a law professor.) He was an excellent professor, even though -- or should that be because? -- he was known to wander away from the syllabus from time to time to indulge in the entertaining-if-only-mildly-pertinent anecdote.

            This particular morning, he was telling us about his dealings with the stock market. They were minor, almost minuscule, dealings, he admitted. Still, there was something to be said for being involved. There was, for instance, his one share of AT&T.

The Rio Games -- And Those GOP Games

         MILWAUKEE -- I’m fine with Rio.

            Really. A great city, by all accounts, in a rising star of a country that deserves to be better known and better loved. And that’s even before you factor in some of the world’s greatest music, and the beaches, and Carnaval, and --

            So absolutely -- give the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro. To Brazil. To a part of the planet that’s never hosted the Olympics. I’m fine with it, even if it means that our neighbor just down the road, Chicago, takes a gold-medal hit to the ego.

            I’m happy for Rio. But it never would have occurred to me to gloat over Chicago’s loss. As a fellow American, I mean.

            Being a gracious competitor is one thing. Being a Republican apparatchik is something else again.

Ensign Shows There's No Blushing in Politics

           The word for it is “inspiring.”

            It’s so heartwarming to see a public servant willing to go the extra mile, willing to take on the sort of mission that would cause a lesser person to hesitate.

            So raise a toast to John Ensign, United States senator from Nevada and upholder of rules.

Inventing the Latest Health-Care Scares

            

WARNING: This column could lead to alligators in your toaster oven.

            There are people out there who actually value a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system.

            Pity.

            That’s because the chance of our actually having a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system is roughly equivalent to the chance of Sarah Palin being chosen the next poet laureate of the United States.

            (In other words, don’t bet the ranch.)

            But does that make the current debate worthless? Hardly -- at least for those of us who enjoy watching the way politics and policy occasionally interact with the English language. For us -- the few, the masochistic -- the battle over health care has been an absolute treasure trove of linguistic innovation.

            And it’s not just the instantly memorable phrases like “death panels” or “tea parties.” It goes way beyond that. The health-care debate has birthed an entirely new tense!

Regulation? They're Banking on the Status Quo

TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS

            These have been turbulent times for the American economy. On Main Street and on Wall Street, the past year has tested the resilience of the greatest wealth-creation engine the world has ever known. Now, as America continues its journey on the path to recovery, we in the financial-services sector want to take this opportunity to speak directly to you the consumer about what we’ve all been through, and what it means going forward.

            First, let us recommit to providing you the kinds of accountable and professional guidance you’ve come to expect from us. Navigating the sometimes treacherous waters of the economy -- exotic investments, complicated home mortgages, impenetrable credit-card provisions and the like -- requires a flexible hand and a sharp eye. Most of all, it requires a total commitment to service.

            That’s why we’re here.

Murthaville: Just Down the Block from Backscratch, Pa.

            “Good morning, everyone, and a warm Western Pennsylvania greeting to each and every one of you! My name is Carly, and I’m the assistant tour guide for the Murthaville Chamber of Continuous Commerce, and it’s so nice to have all of you with us. Now, what brings you to Murthaville today?”

            “A busted axle.”

            “Oh. Well, sorry for the inconvenience, but we’re glad you chose to visit us anyhow while they’re working on your bus. Some of the roads around here do get pretty chewed up, I have to admit, and we certainly see our share of flat tires and damaged rims. But here in Murthaville, we figure it’s nothing that some more road-repair money can’t fix.”

            “You repair those roads? It doesn’t look like -- “

            “Actually, the first thing we do is get the road-repair money.

The Baucus Caucus: An Epic of Futility

 

           The Baucus Caucus came to town one morning in the early spring,

            They said, “You want a health-care bill? Don’t sweat -- we’ll handle ev’rything!”

            Then off they went, inside a room, and huddled there both day and night,

            They promised they’d produce one soon, but first they had to get it right.

 

            This Gang of Six -- three Democrats, and three more from the GOP --

            Debated every line and phrase in constant search of harmony.

            “Bipartisan” -- that was the goal, the finish line, the Golden Rule,

            While others fumed that anyone who thought so was an utter fool.

Joe Wilson: Just Another Heckler in the Crowd

            

    Surprised? Why would you be surprised?

            A congressman shouts at the president. A Member of Congress shouts “You lie!” at the President of the United States -- right there in the halls of Congress, right there in the middle of a major presidential address -- and everyone claims to be stunned.

            Everyone hasn’t been paying attention.