Rick Horowitz

At Least for a Moment, the Miner is Major

            Dear Dr. Politics: I have a wonderful job in an important American institution, with lots of influence and a great big office. (I even get a gavel!) I’m surrounded every day by more than 200 -- actually, more than 218, but who’s counting? -- very supportive colleagues who help me accomplish great things for the American people.

            Lately, though, I feel that my influential position might be slipping away from me. The polls get uglier every week, and my opponents keep looking at me like I’m a dead woman walking. There’s even been a man with orange skin stopping by to measure the drapes in my office. Is there anything I can do to stem the tide?

                                                                                                Nervous Nancy

 

            Dear Nervous: How about those miners? Wasn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?

 

 

            Dear Dr. Politics: I’m angry. It’s OK to be angry. In New York, there’s a lot to be angry about, so why shouldn’t I be angry? I’m mad as hell, to tell you the truth. I say what’s on my mind. If I offended anybody, I apologize.

            So here’s my question: Why am I losing by 20 points?           

                                                                                                Cranky Carl

Hungry for Playoff Action!

            Click.

            “ -- and if you’ve never heard a dachshund singing Dylan before, you’re in for a real treat! Mike?”

             “That’s one amazing dog, Dahlia -- thanks! Well, it’s that time of year again, Tim -- time for playoff baseball, when everything can be riding on a single pitch or a swing of the bat.”

            “Absolutely true, Mike. And we’ve got Margot standing by with a certain skipper of a certain playoff-bound team, and I’ll bet he knows all about post-season excitement. So how’re our guys going to do, Margot?”

            “Thanks, Tim -- that’s exactly what I’m about to ask this gentleman right next to me. How’s it going, Skip?”

            “We’re feeling pretty good, Margot. We’re ready. We had a couple of rocky patches earlier in the season, but we came through ‘em OK, and right now we’re in pretty good shape.”

            “The post-season is almost like a season of its own, isn’t it?”

            “Definitely. You’ve got your regular season, and then you’ve got your post-season -- it’s almost like a season of its own.”

The GOP Didn't W-I-N!

            Expect to hear a lot about the will of the people.

            Especially after November 2nd -- expect to hear a whole lot about the will of the people...

            “The voters have spoken,” the winning side will tell us. “The voters must be obeyed.” Or to put it more conversationally: “Quit your belly-aching -- we’re running things now!”

            How nice for them.

            The “them” in question almost certainly being the Republicans, who, if things go only modestly well from their perspective on Election Day, will still pick up a few dozen seats in the House of Representative and a handful in the Senate. And if things go really well will run the table and lay waste to the Democrats.

            In either case, they’ll be eager to lay claim to the levers of power -- and the sooner the better.

            “We won. Why wait?”

Stunned...and Honored

       From the annual convention of the National Conference of Editorial Writers, Dallas, TX, 9/25/10:

“Rick Horowitz has cultivated a national following through his words, wit, wisdom and wealth of talents. He is one of the National Conference of Editorial Writers’ brightest stars and one of the most sought-after mentors in the field of journalism.

“He is a syndicated columnist, Emmy-winning TV commentator, writing coach, adjunct college professor, public speaker, political satirist, and lyricist. He is also a graduate of New York University Law School and has worked on Capitol Hill. His highly sought-after ‘Getting Your Words’ Worth Workshop’ has helped countless journalists find their opinion voice. On a personal level, it seems only natural that his imaginative and insightful column, which appears on opinion pages nationwide, has earned Rick two National Headliner Awards.

“But he never has been too busy for NCEW. His unselfish commitment to the organization dates back to 1986 when he attended his first convention in Charleston. That’s where he met past president, historian and Life Member Sue Ryon -- love blossomed and they were married. Together, they are NCEW’s dynamic duo.

“Rick has served on the NCEW Board and Foundation. He is a past membership chair, convention critique chair, and dean of NCEW-U. He has been bringing his popular workshop to the Minority Writers Seminar, free of charge, since 2000. Two words show up constantly on the seminar participant reviews: Rick is ‘awesome’ and ‘funny.’

“Because of his tireless dedication to our organization and our profession, NCEW is proud to bestow its highest honor of Life Membership on Rick Horowitz.” 

Questions, Questions: Discuss Among Yourselves

            So what’ll you do with all that extra money now that the recession is over?

            And other things I’ve been wondering lately:           

             * If Barack Obama were named Barack Osanta, how long would it be before the GOP tried to repeal Christmas?

            * Will teenage girls abstain from sex after watching Bristol Palin on “Dancing with the Stars”? (Will they abstain from watching TV?)

            * Is there a single Tea Party story in all of journalism that doesn’t have either “brew,” “stir,” “boil,” “strong” or “weak” in the headline? How do you explain the oversight?

            * When Harry Reid of Nevada calls Kirsten Gillibrand of New York “the hottest member” of the Senate, does he increase public belief in global warming? (How about John Boehner’s tan?)

            * Do Harry Reid’s latest comments show him to have:

             a)    A sense of humor?

             b)    A sense of style?

             c)    No sense at all?

            * If Republicans are on the verge of capturing the House of Representatives when a recent poll has them at a 20 percent approval rating, would they do even better if they were doing even worse?

Ode to Wingnuts

             The etiquette’s chancy, I grant you,

            But answers will come to me soon:

            There must be appropriate phrasing

            For saying a loon is a loon.

 

            A candidate running for office

            Should have both her feet on the ground,

            But what about those who might fancy

            A broomstick to fly them around?

Gingrich Again, But Even Louder

             A moment’s sympathy, please, for the current plight of the former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, the sporadically honorable Newton Leroy Gingrich of Georgia.

            OK -- moment’s over.

            “Poor Newt”? Absolutely -- if by “poor,” you mean “lacking.” Lacking in honesty, for instance, or integrity. Seriously lacking in morals. And now -- worst of all, from Newt’s perspective -- lacking in luck.

            Just when he thought he’d made his way back from serial scandal to respectability, just when he saw a path opening before him that could even lead to a certain oval office on Pennsylvania Avenue -- 

            Suddenly, stupid is in.

P is for Pastor. (Also for Poison.)

             For my next trick, I will burn the Koran.

            A whole mess of Korans.

            My congregation and I will build a bonfire, and we will throw the so-called Holy Book of Islam into the flames. We will do this over and over again, with the whole world bearing witness. We will do this dozens of times, until there is nothing left of these devil works but ashes.

            That’ll show ‘em!

Dems Seek Shelter from November's Storm

 

            [In a dark corner of a Washington establishment where beverages are served…]

            “You saw the numbers?”

            “Of course I saw the numbers.”

            “Those are some awful numbers.”

            “Awful numbers.”

            “We’re down 10 on the generic ballot.”

            “I saw the numbers.”

            “We’ve never been down 10 on the generic ballot before.”

             “I saw the numbers! Didn’t I just tell you I saw the numbers?”

            “Hey, you don’t have to get snippy about it. I was only -- ”

            “Sorry. I’m a little tense right now.”

            “We’re all a little tense right now. More than a little.”

Beckfest of Champions

            

         I was all set to reclaim the civil-rights movement when I found out that Glenn Beck had beaten me to it. So now I’m thinking of reclaiming the North Pole. Or “God Bless America.” Or microwave popcorn. One of those.

            It’s not that I had anything special to do with any of those things. I might have flown over the North Pole one time, but it’s not like I stopped or put up a flag or anything. And I’ve sung “God Bless America” plenty of times, but that’s not quite the same as writing it, which I definitely didn’t do.

            And everybody microwaves popcorn. But it’s quick and convenient, and it tastes close enough to the real thing to perk up those movie nights at home, so it definitely deserves being reclaimed by somebody, don’t you think?

            That’s the best part of reclaiming -- you don’t actually have to have had anything to do with the original claim. All you need is a rally permit and a vivid imagination.