Rick Horowitz

Tune Up Your Voices: It's Another Ho-Ho-Horowitz Christmas!

 You know Tweeter and Hacker,

Tea-Bagger and Birther,

Sanford and Ensign and Rangel and Murtha,

But do you recall....

The year’s biggest players of all?

 .  .  .  .  .

There's News, and Then There's Palin News

              “Good evening, and welcome to another installment of ‘Global Glimpses.’ I’m  James Prynterzink, joined as always by Wendell Picapole.”

            “Good evening, James. There’s plenty to report tonight -- plenty of news happening all around the world, in fact. And our lead story: President Barack Obama wraps up a week-long trip to Asia, where he found difficult issues, and difficult negotiations, with partners and rivals alike.”

            “Absolutely, Wendell. It was no doubt with some sense of relief that Mr. Obama made his final stop a very friendly one in South Korea, a strong American ally. Of course, even that part of the trip wasn’t without its problems demanding attention -- most especially, what to do about the nuclear ambitions of that rogue regime in neighboring North Korea. Now -- “

            “You did it.”

            “Now, Mr. Obama and South Korean president -- “

            “You did it. I knew you’d do it.”

            “South Korean -- excuse me a moment. I did what?”

            “You said ‘rogue.’”

Post-Election Punditry: "It's Perfectly Obvious..."

             Click.

            “ -- and we’re back. Time now to ask our Pack o’ Pundits for the big takeaways from Tuesday’s election results. What did you guys see in all those numbers? And what does it all mean?”

            “No question about it, Joe: It was a great night for the Republicans. Barack Obama comes out of Election Day a very damaged brand. The voters made it absolutely clear that they don’t support his activist agenda, and they think he’s been a complete failure at getting this economy up and running like he promised to do. He’s definitely on the ropes.”

            “No question about it, Joe: It was a great night for the Democrats. The GOP comes out of Election Day a very damaged brand. There’s a civil war going on between the few remaining Republican moderates on the one hand, and the Sarah Palin/Glenn Beck/tea-party crew on the other. They’re ripping their party apart in the name of purity.”

Inventing the Latest Health-Care Scares

            

WARNING: This column could lead to alligators in your toaster oven.

            There are people out there who actually value a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system.

            Pity.

            That’s because the chance of our actually having a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system is roughly equivalent to the chance of Sarah Palin being chosen the next poet laureate of the United States.

            (In other words, don’t bet the ranch.)

            But does that make the current debate worthless? Hardly -- at least for those of us who enjoy watching the way politics and policy occasionally interact with the English language. For us -- the few, the masochistic -- the battle over health care has been an absolute treasure trove of linguistic innovation.

            And it’s not just the instantly memorable phrases like “death panels” or “tea parties.” It goes way beyond that. The health-care debate has birthed an entirely new tense!

Joe Wilson: Just Another Heckler in the Crowd

            

    Surprised? Why would you be surprised?

            A congressman shouts at the president. A Member of Congress shouts “You lie!” at the President of the United States -- right there in the halls of Congress, right there in the middle of a major presidential address -- and everyone claims to be stunned.

            Everyone hasn’t been paying attention.

School Daze: That Speech was Controversial?!

             My friends, I bring good news today!

            For months now, you’ve been feeling out of sorts, and ill at ease. The state of our nation has you and your loved ones deeply concerned -- and why not? Every time you turn around, there seems to be another battle breaking out among our elected officials, another broadside launched against those whose job it is to lead us through these troubled times.

            And just when you think the battles couldn’t be any more strident, the criticism any more pervasive, we reach another new low:

Keeping Obama on Message

             Obama to press health-care reform in speech to joint session of Congress.

                                               Ripped from the headlines

 

            [Deep inside a large white house...]

             “...and that’s when we’ll need your final edits, so we can get it loaded on the prompter.”

            “Final edits. Got it.”

            “No changes after that.”

            “Got it. Now all I have to do is write it.”

            “That’s why you get the big desk, Mr. President.”

            “I knew there had to be a reason. Now, you guys tell me what you’re hearing from -- “

            “Actually, Mr. President...”

            “David?”

            “One more thing before we move off the logistics.”

Sound and Fury: The Cheney Show

  

    If I were Dick Cheney -- not to worry; the Lord works in mysterious ways, but there are limits -- I’d be kicking up a fuss, too. A really good fuss.

            I’d be scowling for whatever sympathetic cameras I could still find. I’d be flinging accusations of political payback, or institutional ingratitude, or diplomatic naiveté at the people who succeeded me.

            I’d even let the occasional curse word fly, just to prove to one and all how ticked off I am.

            If I were Dick Cheney, in other words, I’d probably be doing exactly what Dick Cheney is doing.

            It beats going to prison.

Obama's Beach Books -- and Yours

              Consider the beach book.

          Or do you prefer the term “beach book”? Surrounded by quotation marks, that is, like “fast food,” or “date movie.” “Beach book,” with its suggestion that there’s one particular type of book --  and only one particular type of book -- that’s supposed to accompany you to the summertime house near the large body of water.

          (Sno-Cones optional.)

          I don’t buy it.

          Neither, apparently, does the current president of these United States.

Scared Yet? 22 More Reasons to Fear Health-Care Reform

             Page 28: “Sharing” of electronic medical records allows government to compile PRIVATE DATA about millions of Americans, and make annoying prank calls on important birthdays.

            Page 61: Provides for annual checkups, and all body-temperature readings must be made with rectal thermometers kept below 35 degrees Fahrenheit.

            Page 97: If Grandma’s already dead, you have to pull the plug on Grandpa -- even if he’s not sick!

            Page 112: Requirement to remove all metal objects before certain diagnostic tests -- a plot to confiscate CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED guns from anesthetized Americans.

            Page 164: Reimbursable examination robes will have slits in back AND front.

            Page 170: Ban on easy-open pill bottles, part of government effort to make seniors want to die sooner.

            Page 245: In case of pandemic outbreak, nothing prohibiting SMALL CHILDREN from being quarantined with chinchillas.