Rick Horowitz

Same-Sex Marriage: In the Beginning, There Was the Word

              Has he had problems with “same-sex marriage”? You bet he has. The whole idea has made him squirmy.

            Actually, not the whole idea. Not the same-sex part -- the marriage part.

            And really, not even the marriage part -- the “marriage” part.

            The word itself. It’s the word itself that kept getting in the way.

            Let other people mount their soapboxes to rail against the supposed destruction of the social order. The rejection of biblical injunctions. The celebration of Satan and sinfulness.

            Those were never his concerns. The social order, he understood, is always being upended. There are plenty of passages in the Bible that make today’s readers -- most of them, anyway -- cringe. And sinfulness? When it comes to sinfulness, he was quick to admit, heterosexuals take a back seat to no one.

            (Or had we forgotten what goes on in some of those back seats?)

iPhone Woes: Can You Jeer Me Now?

     ”(T)here is a problem with its reception.”

     Consumer Reports magazine, finding design flaws with the antenna of Apple’s new iPhone 4, questioning Apple’s previous explanations for the malfunction, and declining to recommend buying the phone.

     Dear Apple Motors:

     My wife and I have been proud owners of Apple cars for years now, and we were really excited about your brand-new iDrive Sports Coupe. We’ve never seen a car with so many awesome features, and we especially love driving it around the neighborhood, past all those dull and boring cars in everyone else’s driveways.

     In the past few weeks, though, we’ve noticed a small problem: Whenever we grip the lower-left portion of the steering wheel, the iDrive’s speed immediately drops by 20 to 30 miles per hour. As you can imagine, this can be troublesome, particularly when we’re in heavy traffic -- in the past week alone, we’ve just barely avoided a half-dozen fender-benders. Since we know Apple cars are perfectly designed, we figure we must be doing something wrong. Can you set us straight?

     Nervous in Nashville

How Hot? Too Hot for Paragraphs!

             The kind of hot-and-sticky that you read about in books,

            The kind that sends you searching for cool crannies and dry nooks,

            Some temperate location while outside the asphalt cooks --

            That kind.

           

            The kind of triple-digit pain that hangs around for days,

            With blazing sun -- or even worse, with skies all choked with haze,

Oy Vey! She Gave Our Secret Away! (Or, "A Very Kagan Christmas")

     The pause was the sign. Not the first pause -- the second one. You couldn’t be sure she was going to, but you could tell she was considering it.

     Elena Kagan, I mean, and what quickly became the most famous moment of her Supreme Court confirmation hearings. It’s the sort of thing that called for quick thinking, and more than a little self-confidence. For a willingness to spill the beans -- or even the mu shu pork.

     She’d been on her guard, after all, and who wouldn’t have been? She was being questioned by Lindsey Graham, the sharpest, the smoothest, certainly the most interesting interrogator in the entire Senate Judiciary Committee lineup. A Republican. And while his demeanor was friendly, even warm, she had to be waiting for the traps to be sprung.

     “Where are you at on Christmas Day?” he’d wanted to know. (Or perhaps it was “Where were you at on Christmas Day?”) This, in the midst of a legal back-and-forth about the war on terror, about keeping the country safe from terrorists, about the man on the plane with the explosives hidden in his underwear.

Those Toyotas: You've Been Taken for a Ride!

                 What’ll it take to put you behind the wheel of a brand-spanking-new 2010 Toyota?

            It’s Non-Stop Bargain Days here at Frantic Fred’s Four-Star Motors -- and it looks like highway robbery! So c’mon down and check out the bargains just waiting for you -- all makes, all models -- at prices that simply can’t be beat!

            Climb inside the Toyota Accela for the ride of a lifetime! Or check out the Toyota Ignora -- 287 horses straining at the bit and ready to open up on the open road. Just hit the gas pedal and away you go!

            Hit the other pedal and away you go, too! In fact, you’ll be amazed at the feeling -- like no driving experience you’ve ever had! But like we always say here at Frantic Fred’s, those are the brakes.

            Hah!

Comic Timing: Superman vs. Supermom

              Here’s to all the mothers who threw out all the comic books.

            And the baseball cards -- don’t forget the baseball cards. Or was it Dumpster Barbie that tore it for you?

            Mom meant well. Really she did. And if her lifelong crusade for order turned out to clash with your own lifelong dream of unearned riches -- well, that’s the way the Kryptonite crumbles.

            You’re thinking Superman thoughts today -- not to mention slightly murderous thoughts -- because of the latest news from New York:

             “A rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman sold Monday for $1 million, smashing the previous record price for a comic book.”

Science? Who Needs It?

         Me and the missus, we step on the scale the other day -- she’s down a pound, I’m down almost two. 

          So what’s all this hooey about an obesity crisis?   

          But that’s all you hear from the lamestream media, am I right? You’re getting fatter, I’m getting fatter. Everyone’s getting fatter. So how come I’m losing weight? And how come the missus is losing weight? You think the scale is lying to us? 

          The scale doesn’t lie.

           Unlike plenty of media types I can think of.

Up in the Air, His Suspicions are Kindled

              WASHINGTON -- I’m in 9B. He’s in 4C, five rows ahead. He’s a congressman -- an influential congressman, but aren’t they all? -- heading back to the Nation’s Capital to do the people’s business.

            I make the same instant calculation I always make in this kind of situation: “I know who’s in the headline if the plane goes down.” Not that I’m expecting the plane to go down. I’m just saying.

            Anyway: In a few minutes, we’re airborne, and a little while later, they announce that it’s OK to use “approved electronic devices.” I’m traveling light on this trip -- no iPod, no headphones -- but what’s a flight to Washington without looking important? (Or at least busy.) So I pull out my laptop and try to catch up on some work. Up in 4C, meanwhile, the congressman is looking at his Kindle.

Through the Lenses of Time

             The calendar turns.

            A new year begins.

             And more than a new year -- a new decade. Off to the mists of history go the Aughts, or the Naughts, or the Naughtys, or whatever your favored label happens to be for the era just ended.

            But first, a moment’s reflection. Before we turn away once and for all, before we bid good riddance to a decade that provided more than its share of pain and suffering, of fear and loathing, we need to pause. We need to remind ourselves that, for some, the ten years now gone will forever be the Golden Years.

            I speak, of course, of the people who invented the goofy New Year’s Eve eyeglasses with the two big zeroes.

Tune Up Your Voices: It's Another Ho-Ho-Horowitz Christmas!

 You know Tweeter and Hacker,

Tea-Bagger and Birther,

Sanford and Ensign and Rangel and Murtha,

But do you recall....

The year’s biggest players of all?

 .  .  .  .  .