Rick Horowitz

Olympia Snowe (or "The Importance of Being Pivotal")

            Once upon a time, I had a teacher. A law professor, to be precise about it. (And he’d want me to be precise about it -- he was a law professor.) He was an excellent professor, even though -- or should that be because? -- he was known to wander away from the syllabus from time to time to indulge in the entertaining-if-only-mildly-pertinent anecdote.

            This particular morning, he was telling us about his dealings with the stock market. They were minor, almost minuscule, dealings, he admitted. Still, there was something to be said for being involved. There was, for instance, his one share of AT&T.

Ensign Shows There's No Blushing in Politics

           The word for it is “inspiring.”

            It’s so heartwarming to see a public servant willing to go the extra mile, willing to take on the sort of mission that would cause a lesser person to hesitate.

            So raise a toast to John Ensign, United States senator from Nevada and upholder of rules.

Inventing the Latest Health-Care Scares

            

WARNING: This column could lead to alligators in your toaster oven.

            There are people out there who actually value a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system.

            Pity.

            That’s because the chance of our actually having a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system is roughly equivalent to the chance of Sarah Palin being chosen the next poet laureate of the United States.

            (In other words, don’t bet the ranch.)

            But does that make the current debate worthless? Hardly -- at least for those of us who enjoy watching the way politics and policy occasionally interact with the English language. For us -- the few, the masochistic -- the battle over health care has been an absolute treasure trove of linguistic innovation.

            And it’s not just the instantly memorable phrases like “death panels” or “tea parties.” It goes way beyond that. The health-care debate has birthed an entirely new tense!

The Baucus Caucus: An Epic of Futility

 

           The Baucus Caucus came to town one morning in the early spring,

            They said, “You want a health-care bill? Don’t sweat -- we’ll handle ev’rything!”

            Then off they went, inside a room, and huddled there both day and night,

            They promised they’d produce one soon, but first they had to get it right.

 

            This Gang of Six -- three Democrats, and three more from the GOP --

            Debated every line and phrase in constant search of harmony.

            “Bipartisan” -- that was the goal, the finish line, the Golden Rule,

            While others fumed that anyone who thought so was an utter fool.

School Daze: That Speech was Controversial?!

             My friends, I bring good news today!

            For months now, you’ve been feeling out of sorts, and ill at ease. The state of our nation has you and your loved ones deeply concerned -- and why not? Every time you turn around, there seems to be another battle breaking out among our elected officials, another broadside launched against those whose job it is to lead us through these troubled times.

            And just when you think the battles couldn’t be any more strident, the criticism any more pervasive, we reach another new low:

Keeping Obama on Message

             Obama to press health-care reform in speech to joint session of Congress.

                                               Ripped from the headlines

 

            [Deep inside a large white house...]

             “...and that’s when we’ll need your final edits, so we can get it loaded on the prompter.”

            “Final edits. Got it.”

            “No changes after that.”

            “Got it. Now all I have to do is write it.”

            “That’s why you get the big desk, Mr. President.”

            “I knew there had to be a reason. Now, you guys tell me what you’re hearing from -- “

            “Actually, Mr. President...”

            “David?”

            “One more thing before we move off the logistics.”

Scared Yet? 22 More Reasons to Fear Health-Care Reform

             Page 28: “Sharing” of electronic medical records allows government to compile PRIVATE DATA about millions of Americans, and make annoying prank calls on important birthdays.

            Page 61: Provides for annual checkups, and all body-temperature readings must be made with rectal thermometers kept below 35 degrees Fahrenheit.

            Page 97: If Grandma’s already dead, you have to pull the plug on Grandpa -- even if he’s not sick!

            Page 112: Requirement to remove all metal objects before certain diagnostic tests -- a plot to confiscate CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED guns from anesthetized Americans.

            Page 164: Reimbursable examination robes will have slits in back AND front.

            Page 170: Ban on easy-open pill bottles, part of government effort to make seniors want to die sooner.

            Page 245: In case of pandemic outbreak, nothing prohibiting SMALL CHILDREN from being quarantined with chinchillas.

The Health Club at the Corner of Chimera & Mirage

             Obama the Developer, he wants to build a health club. Something classy, that’s what he’s thinking, with all the latest equipment, and enough room so everyone in town can join. He’s still kind of vague on the details -- what goes where and all that -- but he’s sure about the basics.

            Thing is, he can’t do it by himself. First he has to get the financing.

            Grassley the Banker, he’s the go-to guy on the financing. That’s what everybody says, anyway -- you want a build a health club in Bipartisan Acres, you need to see Grassley.

Health-Care Debate: Beware of Foreign Objects

            Confused about health-care reform?

            Of course you’re confused! Why wouldn’t you be confused? You’ve got multiple versions of multiple bills coming out of multiple committees on Capitol Hill. Hundreds, even thousands, of pages of complex provisions, and for every provision -- for every clause of every complex provision -- there’s somebody determined to push it through, and somebody equally determined to bury it. And then there’s all the rest of us who, technically speaking, don’t have a clue.

            But that’s not the part I’m most confused about. The part I’m most confused about isn’t about any particular provision in any of the bills, let alone any particular clause of any particular provision in any of the bills. Let alone any particular clause or provision that actually isn’t in any of the bills, but that certain shadowy forces would like you to believe is in the bills, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Health Care: The Presidential Campaign of 2009

            Silly me.

            Silly you.

            Here we were thinking that the presidential election of 2008 was over and done with in -- well, in 2008. And that the winner was a certain junior senator from the great state of Illinois, who rolled up a victory margin of landslide proportions (at least by modern-day standards, and certainly by George W. Bush standards, to pick a name at random).

            Anyway, you were somehow under the impression that all of that was settled business.

            Fat chance.