Rick Horowitz

Nelson the Hard-Nosed Reindeer

 
            “Gather ‘round, you little lovelies -- how’d you like your Grampa to tell you a bit of a Christmas story?”

            “Tell us, Grampa! Tell us!”

            “Well, I think I just might then. Have you ever heard the tale of Nelson the Hard-Nosed Reindeer?”

            “You mean Rudolph!”

            “And his nose wasn’t hard, Grampa -- it was red!”

            “Not so fast, my lovelies -- you can’t know what you haven’t been told, can you? Now, Rudolph’s a perfectly fine reindeer. And you’re certainly right about his wonderful old nose -- quite the piece of work it was!”

            “That’s why the reindeer loved him, Grampa!”

            “Well, if that’s the way you heard it, I won’t quibble with you. But come settle down, and I’ll tell you a story I’ll bet you’ve never heard, not a one of you. This is the story of a different reindeer, name of Nelson.”

Health-Care Reform? It's Just a Matter of Timing

              “We’re going to do anything and everything we can to prevent this measure from becoming law.”

                                       Mitch McConnell, Senate Republican Leader

 

            You can certainly understand where Mitch McConnell is coming from.

            A recession is an absolutely terrible time to try to ram through some job-killing, budget-busting, big-government health-care reform plan.

            And because Mitch McConnell is the leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, he’s got the rest of his flock saying pretty much the same things he’s been saying: You don’t do health-care reform during a recession.

            Republicans understand that health-care reform is only going to bring the tax hammer down on small businesses. And small businesses, as everybody knows, are the engine that drives the economy, and will have to drive the recovery. Which hasn’t happened yet, in case you hadn’t noticed. Which, in case you were wondering, is all President Obama’s fault.

Take Two Studies and Call Them in the Morning

             What we told you before? Forget it.

            What we said you had to worry about? Nope.

            What we advised you to get checked out on a regular basis? Not so much.

            That thing that was always on your mind because we told you it should always be on your mind? Well, we’ve thought about it some more, and now we don’t think it should always be on your mind. Now and then, maybe, but not always. Certainly not always.

            At least not until we think about it again.

Stopping Health-Care Reform: Whatever It Takes

              House approves health-care reform, but with new abortion restrictions.

                       Ripped from the headlines

 

            (Meanwhile, in a slightly altered universe...)

             Dear Congressional Peeps --

            Congrats on the health-care thing! Sorry you had to spend your whole Saturday night in session -- a total drag! -- but when history calls, history calls, right? Definitely worth giving up one Date Night to get everybody one giant step closer to the finish line. Now it’s on to the Senate and even more history!

            A pity about that slavery clause, but hey -- we’re all grownups here, and compromise is the name of the game. Absolutely no way you get the votes you need without a little tweaking on indentured servitude. Totally worth it.

Olympia Snowe (or "The Importance of Being Pivotal")

            Once upon a time, I had a teacher. A law professor, to be precise about it. (And he’d want me to be precise about it -- he was a law professor.) He was an excellent professor, even though -- or should that be because? -- he was known to wander away from the syllabus from time to time to indulge in the entertaining-if-only-mildly-pertinent anecdote.

            This particular morning, he was telling us about his dealings with the stock market. They were minor, almost minuscule, dealings, he admitted. Still, there was something to be said for being involved. There was, for instance, his one share of AT&T.

Ensign Shows There's No Blushing in Politics

           The word for it is “inspiring.”

            It’s so heartwarming to see a public servant willing to go the extra mile, willing to take on the sort of mission that would cause a lesser person to hesitate.

            So raise a toast to John Ensign, United States senator from Nevada and upholder of rules.

Inventing the Latest Health-Care Scares

            

WARNING: This column could lead to alligators in your toaster oven.

            There are people out there who actually value a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system.

            Pity.

            That’s because the chance of our actually having a good, honest, fact-based and data-driven debate about reforming the nation’s health-care system is roughly equivalent to the chance of Sarah Palin being chosen the next poet laureate of the United States.

            (In other words, don’t bet the ranch.)

            But does that make the current debate worthless? Hardly -- at least for those of us who enjoy watching the way politics and policy occasionally interact with the English language. For us -- the few, the masochistic -- the battle over health care has been an absolute treasure trove of linguistic innovation.

            And it’s not just the instantly memorable phrases like “death panels” or “tea parties.” It goes way beyond that. The health-care debate has birthed an entirely new tense!

The Baucus Caucus: An Epic of Futility

 

           The Baucus Caucus came to town one morning in the early spring,

            They said, “You want a health-care bill? Don’t sweat -- we’ll handle ev’rything!”

            Then off they went, inside a room, and huddled there both day and night,

            They promised they’d produce one soon, but first they had to get it right.

 

            This Gang of Six -- three Democrats, and three more from the GOP --

            Debated every line and phrase in constant search of harmony.

            “Bipartisan” -- that was the goal, the finish line, the Golden Rule,

            While others fumed that anyone who thought so was an utter fool.

School Daze: That Speech was Controversial?!

             My friends, I bring good news today!

            For months now, you’ve been feeling out of sorts, and ill at ease. The state of our nation has you and your loved ones deeply concerned -- and why not? Every time you turn around, there seems to be another battle breaking out among our elected officials, another broadside launched against those whose job it is to lead us through these troubled times.

            And just when you think the battles couldn’t be any more strident, the criticism any more pervasive, we reach another new low:

Keeping Obama on Message

             Obama to press health-care reform in speech to joint session of Congress.

                                               Ripped from the headlines

 

            [Deep inside a large white house...]

             “...and that’s when we’ll need your final edits, so we can get it loaded on the prompter.”

            “Final edits. Got it.”

            “No changes after that.”

            “Got it. Now all I have to do is write it.”

            “That’s why you get the big desk, Mr. President.”

            “I knew there had to be a reason. Now, you guys tell me what you’re hearing from -- “

            “Actually, Mr. President...”

            “David?”

            “One more thing before we move off the logistics.”