Rick Horowitz

For the GOP, a Certain Inconsistency

            Like little lambs adrift in the wide, weird world -- that’s what they are.

            It’s all so complicated! It’s all so unpredictable! When all they want -- all they need -- is: certainty.

            Or so they keep telling us.

            “They” would be the Republicans, of course, well on their way to major victories this November -- and yet, still deeply concerned about the state of things. About the state of one particular thing.

Out of Work? Republicans Send Their Sympathies

             “The president knows that Republicans support extending unemployment insurance…”   
                     House Republican Leader John Boehner  

          Dear Unemployed Person or Persons:  

          These are tough times for Americans. They’re especially tough times for people like you who have lost your jobs, and who still can’t find new ones, because of the Obama Recession, which started at approximately 12 noon on January 20, 2009, after eight years of nonstop growth and prosperity under President George W. Bush.

          We sympathize with your situation, and we know how hard it must be to be without a job as the bills pile up. (Technically, we don’t really know how hard it must be, because we all have jobs -- with lots of great benefits, too -- but we can certainly imagine how hard it must be. We’d hate to be in your shoes right now.) 

           Anyway, we sympathize with what you and your loved ones must be going through -- although why unemployed people still deserve to have loved ones when they’re not doing a single thing to help them is a total mystery to us.

            We’re writing to set the record straight after weeks of misinformation put out by the Obama administration and their friends in the liberal media. You may have heard that Republicans have been opposed to extending unemployment benefits for the millions of Americans whose benefits have already run out.

           Nothing could be further from the truth.

           The truth is: Republicans haven’t been opposed to extending unemployment benefits. We’ve been opposed to letting the Senate vote on extending unemployment benefits -- that’s a totally different thing. 

          You may also have heard that some of us have had some unflattering things to say about unemployment benefits in general, and about how receiving unemployment benefits is a whole lot easier than looking for work, and only encourages people to stay unemployed.

           We weren’t talking about you. You’re almost certainly not the kind of person who’d sit on his duff for week after week and take advantage of the generosity of hardworking, taxpaying, real Americans.

            You know the kind of person we mean.

            The other thing you might have heard about us is that we’re “hypocrites,” because now we oppose extending unemployment benefits, when we used to be in favor of them when George Bush was president.

            Or maybe you’ve heard us called even bigger “hypocrites” because we insisted that any extended unemployment benefits be paid for, rather than adding to the deficit -- even though we aren’t insisting that extended tax cuts for wealthy Americans be paid for, and even though those particular tax cuts add much more to the deficit than unemployment benefits would.

            We have a very simple answer to these charges: Where’s Obama’s birth certificate?

            Besides, those are just numbers -- we have the facts on our side. And the No. 1 fact is this: Everyone knows that Republicans stand for fiscal discipline and responsible budgeting. In fact, whenever fiscal discipline has broken down and the budget has gotten out of control, Republicans are the first ones to say who’s responsible. (Hint: Not us.)

             Mitch McConnell, our Republican Senate Leader, put it exactly right the other day when he talked about the dangers of excessive government spending to help people who can’t even hold a job. “At what point,” he asked, “do we pivot and start being concerned about our children and our grandchildren?”

            To Republicans, the answer is perfectly clear: We pivot when there’s a Democrat in the White House.

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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.    

It's a Swamp Thing

            The thing about promising to drain the swamp is that people tend to remember. Then they expect you to do it.

            What a pain in the gavel!

            Actually, that’s only partially true. (The expect-you-to-do-it part, I mean -- not the pain-in-the-gavel part, which is totally true.) They don’t all expect you to do it. You’re a politician, after all, and some of them know -- or think they do, which is just as dangerous -- what a politician’s promise is worth. So they were happy to dismiss that swamp-draining promise of yours the moment it came out of your ever-smiling mouth:

            Campaign talk. Nothing but campaign talk.

No Dollars, No Sense

    It’s budget time in Washington -- that very special time of year when the nation discovers (yet again) exactly how much less we’ve got, and how much more we’ll need, than we ever imagined we did.
    Assuming, that is, we care even the slightest bit about bringing the “got” and the “need” into roughly the same universe.
    Assuming, that is, we have any interest at all in ever balancing the in-flow and the out-go. Instead, that is, of falling so deep down the deficit hole that all the shovels in China can’t dig us out.
    It’s budget time -- when the good citizens of the US of A go into a temporary panic about how poorly our public servants are serving us, and what it all means for our fiscal future, and in the meantime, hit the malls and put another million flat-screen TVs on the credit card.

He's Contemplating Regulating

    If people were perfect, you wouldn’t need so many laws. So many rules, and regulations.
    This just in: People aren’t perfect!    They’re human beings -- even when they’re wearing pinstriped suits.
    So then the question is: How much do you trust them to behave themselves? And how much do you paint lane markers on the highway? And even put up the occasional stop sign, or red light?
    We’re talking, of course, about Wall Street. The Big Banks. The Big Investment Firms. The Big Players who love to make the Big Plays, and have the Big Salaries -- and the Even Bigger Bonuses -- to prove it.

Obama to Seniors: Here's Some Money. Now Go Away.

             Gordon Goldenage was gallivanting in the garden when Myron the Mailman showed up with the money.

            “Hey, Gordo!” cried Myron, who’d known him forever. “I’ve got some  government checks here for you and the little lady.” (That would be Gladys.)

            “Can’t be,” said Gordon. “We already got our refund.”

            “I’m just telling you what I’m telling you,” Myron replied. “There’s an eagle on the envelope and a check inside -- trust me.”

Regulation? They're Banking on the Status Quo

TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS

            These have been turbulent times for the American economy. On Main Street and on Wall Street, the past year has tested the resilience of the greatest wealth-creation engine the world has ever known. Now, as America continues its journey on the path to recovery, we in the financial-services sector want to take this opportunity to speak directly to you the consumer about what we’ve all been through, and what it means going forward.

            First, let us recommit to providing you the kinds of accountable and professional guidance you’ve come to expect from us. Navigating the sometimes treacherous waters of the economy -- exotic investments, complicated home mortgages, impenetrable credit-card provisions and the like -- requires a flexible hand and a sharp eye. Most of all, it requires a total commitment to service.

            That’s why we’re here.

Angst at the ATM: There's High Finance, Then There's Slow Finance

 

           Slice o’ Life No. 682. File Under: Too Wimpy to Survive.

            So there I am, last Saturday afternoon, pulling up to the drive-thru ATM. It’s a perfect late-summer day. It’s also my lucky day: There’s only one car ahead of me.

            Actually, there’s only one car ahead of me -- and one pedestrian. There’s a guy standing there. Mid-40s maybe, in a t-shirt, shorts and sandals. He’s waiting to use the drive-thru, too.

            No problem -- I’ve done that myself from time to time. Call it a walk-thru ATM. So I’ve got two customers ahead of me.

            Except that the guy on foot is waving me past.

These Health-Care Numbers Could Make a Man Sick

             Suddenly, Data Man has a number of problems.

            Or maybe we should put that the other way around: Suddenly, Data Man has a problem of numbers.

            And now we get to see what he’s made of.

            Data Man goes by other names, of course, and by other numbers. The name “Barack Obama,” for instance. The number “44.” But Data Man will do nicely. Has there ever been a president so attuned to, so reliant on, so respectful of the pitter-patter of data points?

            “Show me the facts,” his every utterance suggests. “I’m cooler than ideology. I’m all about reason. I won’t let my beliefs -- or your beliefs, for that matter -- trump the awesome power of evidence.”

            Which makes it a particularly damaging blow when the number crunchers at the Congressional Budget Office (or as it’s always phrased, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office) take a look at the assortment of health-care-reform plans now floating around the Capitol and declare -- we’re paraphrasing here:

            “Nope.”

Quick on the Draw -- and the Overdraw

             A toast, please, to technology, which makes our lives so much smoother and easier. Faster, and more flexible.

            Without technology, life itself would be a constant struggle. With technology, we’re free to discover new and exciting ways to slip on the banana peel.

            Or am I getting ahead of myself?