Rick Horowitz

Sorting Through the Wright Stuff

The pastor is feeling feisty today.

The room is filled with supporters, and reporters, and the cameras are rolling. The pastor is speaking his mind, and also venting his spleen. His remarks may have begun in a low-key tone -- the academic, explaining to the nervous and the unaware -- but now he’s fielding questions, and the questions seem crafted to provoke.

He hardly needs the encouragement. He has an answer for every question, and the answers are much smarter than the questions, because he knows his turf, and his questioners clearly do not. His answers are clever, often curt, sometimes mocking.

“See how ignorant they are!” is his (barely) unspoken message. “See how little they know of us!”

Time Out, Tide Out. (But Don't Tell Her.)

Click.

“ -- another timeout down on the floor. Well, this has been a playoff series for the ages, and as it winds down, we -- hang on, I understand Tim is standing by just outside the owner’s box, and we may have a chance for a few words from the owner of the Thrillarys. Tim?”

“That’s right, Brian -- she’s right here. Good of you to stop by our microphone, ma’am.”

“Always a pleasure, Tim.”

“Your guys certainly gave it everything they had all series long, but I guess the Chicagobamas just wouldn’t be denied.”

“We’re in great shape, Tim, and we’re ready to move on to the next round.”

“Excuse me?”

Pentagon Squabble: Attitude at Altitude

“WASHINGTON (AP) -- Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Monday the Air Force is not doing enough to help in the Iraq and Afghanistan war effort, complaining that some military leaders are ‘stuck in old ways of doing business.’

“Gates said in a speech at Maxwell Air Force Base, Ala., that getting the military services, largely the Air Force, to send more unmanned surveillance and reconnaissance aircraft to Iraq and Afghanistan has been ‘like pulling teeth.’”

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder,
Zooming by into the past,
Golden days, never morale to squander,
We were strong, canny and fast. (Canny and fast, hey!)
Times have changed, Pentagon likes to ponder
Robot planes, puny and coarse,
The future’s now, we’ll show them how --
Nothing can change the U.S. Air Force!

All Hail the Triviocracy!

“Good evening, and greetings from The National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. I’m Charles Gibson, and on behalf of all of us at ABC News, I want to welcome you to this debate between the two remaining Democratic candidates for president.

“We meet here just days before the crucial Pennsylvania primary, and in the city where, more than 200 years ago, our Founding Fathers acted on their deeply held belief that governing this nation was serious business, worthy of sober discussion and careful consideration of the critical issues at stake.

“What a bunch of losers.

Pennsylvania: White with Foam

Up for a little mental gymnastics, boys and girls? Nothing like a bit of cranial exertion to get things moving first thing in the morning, don’t you agree?

Excellent! So let’s cast our memories back a million years or so -- which is to say, a month or two ago.

It only feels like a million years; it’s a presidential campaign.

Do you remember, way back then, when large chunks of the political world seemed to have fallen in love with that heart-tugging, pearl-speaking underdog from Illinois, Barack Obama?

Petraeus: Wait Awhile. Repeat as Necessary.

I listened to David Petraeus testifying about Iraq, and I found myself thinking about storm sewers in Wisconsin.

One long-ago editorial about storm sewers in Wisconsin, to be precise -- a fragment of which has become a minor star in the writing and editing workshops I lead for journalists every now and again.

The particulars of this sewer system weren’t what set my synapses alight as I listened to Gen. Petraeus -- no cheap analogies to policies or lives or dollars going down the drain. No, what made the connection for me was the wording.

Lots of language, and not much information.

Just A(nother) Chat With Bill

“Rrriiiiinnnng! Rrriiiiinnnng! Rrriii -- ““Yeah, hello?”

“Good morning -- please hold for President Clinton.”

“Look, I can’t talk right now, I’m right in the middle of -- “

“Roy! It’s Bill Clinton! How ya doin’, you old dog?”

Rules are Rules: The Pentagon Spells It Out

TO: The American People

FROM: Your Department of Justice

RE: Defending Our Way of Life

"They Sent What?!!" (Fuses Are Blown)

What you’ve got on your hands all of a sudden is an international incident, and a ton of embarrassment. And the thing is: It was totally avoidable.

You heard about this, didn’t you? The government of Taiwan orders helicopter batteries from the United States, from the Pentagon. And instead of helicopter batteries, the Pentagon sends them something slightly different. The Pentagon sends them electrical fuses for nuclear warheads.