Rick Horowitz

Whatever It Takes: Hillary's Counting on It

So we’re so excited about the whole thing -- the campaign, I mean -- that we don’t just want to sit and watch it, we want to be part of it.

And of course, we want it to keep going forever so we can be a part of it forever, and the best way we figured we could do both things -- being part of it and helping it go on forever -- was to come up with new ways Hillary could argue that she shouldn’t drop out, and that actually she’s the one who should get the nomination, even if she doesn’t have quite as many votes or delegates as Obama has.

Iraq: Longer, and Longer Still

Just my rotten luck, you’re thinking he’s thinking, to have two milestones -- or is that millstones? -- arrive so close together. Five years of a war that wasn’t going to take more than a month or two. Four thousand brave Americans dead.

Just his rotten luck.

Or maybe he isn’t thinking that at all.

Obama Speaks. Who Listens?

Good morning, fellow white folks. It’s been quite a week, don’t you think?

After all, it’s not every day you hear a candidate running for the highest office in the land attempting to tackle the hardest issue in the land.

Race.

And right out in public.

It’s not something he particularly wanted to do -- at least not under those circumstances, under assault and with YouTube at a full boil. But once he decided he had to do it, he did it.

So here’s the question, fellow white folks: When Barack Obama spoke, what did we hear?

Standing By Their Man (Buchanan?!)

[The room is musty -- the people in the room, only slightly less so. Streaks of late-afternoon sun paint the long-faded walls. The floorboards abandoned any hope of horizontal decades ago.

This could be any place where people of a certain age gather to reminisce. It is, in fact, the annual meeting of the President James Buchanan Appreciation Society. We join the discussion already in progress…]

“It’s not fair!”

After Spitzer: "Mommy, What's an Assignation?"

Dear Mr. Politics:

This is the first time I’ve ever written to you, but I don’t know where else to turn, and I’m hoping you can help me with a situation in my family. My 9-year-old son (I’ll call him “Roscoe”) has always been attracted to politics. He collects politicians’ pictures the way other kids collect baseball cards, and instead of batting averages, he memorizes congressional redistricting maps.

Up to now, it’s all been pretty harmless, but recently a prominent politician from our state has been caught in some very unsavory behavior, and he’s had to resign from his office. (I think you know who I’m talking about.) “Roscoe” has always looked up to public officials as his heroes, and while we’re not sure how much he understands about this particular situation, it’s made him very sad. We want to be able to talk him through his concerns and cheer him up, but in an age-appropriate way. Any suggestions?

Suffering in Schenectady

Hillary's Resume: Swallow with Several Grains of Salt

So anyway, this was back a few years ago. I remember because it was while I was helping to bring peace to Northern Ireland, and I --

You didn’t know I helped to bring peace to Northern Ireland, did you?

I understand.

Bye-Bye, Brett

Perfect endings are for the movies. Real life tends to be a lot more complicated.

So let’s not fret too much that Brett Favre’s career didn’t have a perfect ending -- another fourth-quarter comeback, another laser-beam touchdown pass squeezed in somehow between two defenders, another Super Bowl appearance. Another Super Bowl victory.

If Brett’s not fretting, why should we?

Suddenly, It's Crowded at the Top

Rrrriiinnng! Rrrriii --

“Good morning! Ritz-Carlton Denver -- may I help you?”

“Uh, yes, good morning. Reservations, please.”

“I can help you with that, sir.”

“Excellent! I’m calling to reconfirm a reservation? We made it a few weeks ago -- for the last week in August?”

“Well, actually, sir, all our rooms are blocked for that entire week. That’s when the Democrats are having their convention.”

“I know that. I’m one of those Democrats.”

“Of course! My apologies, sir. And if I could have your name?”

“Obama. Barack O -- “

Iraq and Iran: Foresight, or Poor Sight?

Tell me this was part of the plan.

Ahmadinejad in Baghdad, I mean. Tell me this was something we expected when we hatched the plan to invade Iraq.

By “we,” I don’t mean “you and I,” of course. I mean “they” -- the various strategists and fantasists who had our president’s ear, and captured his imagination. The ones who told him why invading Iraq and getting rid of Saddam Hussein was such a fine idea.